Back Story Abounds: The Complete CoS Parody
by W.H. Woolhat
Summary: A complete, beginning to end parody of the second Harry Potter film, in which Lockhart is far too awesome for his own good, and rigid semideath stalks the school. T for language.


**Author's Note**: I added footnotes for the less obvious references here like I did in my SS parody. Numbers in parentheses indicate a footnote. :) Please R&R! 

**  
Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets**

**Back Story Abounds**

_**Harry's Bedroom, 4 Privet Drive**_

Harry: I somehow have a bedroom this year. Also, my voice is several octaves deeper.

Hedwig: Good for you. (1)

_**The Dursleys Suck a Lot, Year Two**_

Harry: My friends have abandoned me and I hate you all.

Uncle Vernon: You've always gotten whatever food Dudley doesn't instantly inhale, plus I decided to be Mr. Nice Guy and not leave you to rot in your cupboard, so why are you still such an ungrateful freak?

Harry: Do I have to answer that?

Uncle Vernon: Anyway, I've got a meeting with some pompous bigwigs. Go disappear.

Harry: Gladly.

_**As Usual, Things Do Not Go As Planned**_

_Harry grumbles a lot and returns to his room, only to find…_

Dobby: MY PRECIOUS! I mean, HARRY POTTER!

Harry: …

Dobby: Dobby has come to warn you, most amazing young wizardly boy!

Harry: …

Dobby: Do us all a favor and stay here with your horrible relatives this year, okay?

Harry: _What?_

Dobby: Harry Potter should listen to Dobby, because Dobby loves Harry Potter. (_big anime eyes_)

Harry: Dude, you're like the love child of a bat and a naked mole rat, so that's just creepy.

Dobby: All right, then Harry Potter should listen to Dobby, because if he doesn't, Dobby will drop a cake on this acquaintance of Harry Potter's uncle.

Harry: Oh shit.

**_The Prisoner of 4 Privet Drive_**

_A BIG FLYING CAR shines its headlights through Harry's cruelly barred bedroom window._

Ron: Hi Harry! My voice has dropped several octaves, too!

Harry: Woot!

Ron: And incidentally, Fred and George and I have come to rescue you.

Harry: More woot!

Uncle Vernon: NO! THERE WILL BE NO WOOT! (_lunges for Harry_)

Flying Car: Oh yes there will! (_throws Vernon out the window and flies off into the night_)

_**Happy Time at The Burrow**_

Mrs. Weasley: YOU ALL ARE SO IN TROUBLE! Except for you, Harry. You get breakfast.

Ginny: OH MY GOD, HARRY POTTER IS IN MY HOUSE!

Harry: Uh?

Mr. Weasley: OH MY GOD, HARRY POTTER IS AT MY KITCHEN TABLE!

Harry: Okay, this is weird.

Errol: (_crash lands with letters in hand…or rather, beak_)

Percy: Looks like it's time to go school shopping.

Mrs. Weasley: Hmm, I _wonder _where we go to do that!

_**Magical Mystery Fireplace Tour**_

Ron: Check it out; if you throw this psychedelic powder into the fireplace, you erupt into green flames!

Mrs. Weasley: _And _get where you're going rather quickly.

Ron: Right, that too. (_floos away_)

Harry: I am frightened. (_nearly floos himself to the Land of Gibberish_)

Mr. Weasley: Way to enunciate. (_rolls eyes_)

**_A Dark and Scary Shop, Knockturn Alley_**

_Harry wanders around the conveniently empty shop and stares at the merchandise, most of which looks like it was made by the Prop Man On Crack._

Harry: Oooh, creepy withery hand! (_pokes_)

Creepy Withery Hand: Glad to meet you!

Harry: AAAAAAHHHH! (_runs away_)

Creepy Witch in the Street: Hey big boy. (_bats eyelashes_)

Creepy Wizard in an Alley: Hey buddy, wanna buy a watch?

Hagrid: Okay, y'all stop that.

Harry: What are _you _doing here?

Hagrid: Can't buy me favorite brandy nowhere else.

Harry: (_eyes Hagrid oddly_)

Hagrid: Er, forget I said that. Come on.

_**Diagon Alley. Year Two**_

_Harry and Hermione reunite and run to Flourish & Blotts just in time to see Gilderoy Lockhart saunter out of the back room._

Lockhart's fangirls: SQUEE!

Lockhart: Yes, I know, I'm awesome. (_pauses_) OH MY GOD, HARRY POTTER IS IN MY AUDIENCE!

Harry: Okay, this is _definitely _getting out of hand.

Lockhart: You are awesome, too! Gimmie a one-armed, aristocratic hug and rocket me into greater fame!

Harry: COOTIES! (_runs away again_)

Draco: Lockhart and Pothead, sittin' in a tree…

Ginny: SIIILENCE!

Draco: Weasley girl and Pothead, sittin' in a tree…

Lucius: Step aside, son, I'm more practiced when it comes to taunting. Harry Potter, I'd like to shake your hand.

Harry: Would everyone _please _stop touching me with their cooties?

Lucius: Fine, I shall whisper in a vaguely threatening manner at all of your friends instead.

Arthur: Don't do that. (2)

Lucius: I hate you.

Arthur: Thank you, I'm touched.

Lucius: (_sniffs haughtily_) Come Draco. Let's go be blonde and intimidating somewhere else.

Draco: Yes, Daddy!

_**Things Do Not Go As Planned, Mark II**_

Mr. Weasley: OMG Lucius made us totally late! To Platform 9 ¾ with all of you!

_Mr. and Mrs. Weasley let everyone except Harry and Ron go first for some reason._

Harry & Ron: Hey, we're totally late, too!

Magical Gateway: Too bad, I'm on my coffee break. (_seals_)

Harry: Okay, so now what?

Ron: We steal my dad's car, of course!

Harry: Oh, right, obviously. How silly of me not to think of that.

_**Flying Across the Countryside**_

Harry: Okay, now that we're zooming around up here…where's the train?

Ron: No idea. Let me bring the car down _directly onto the tracks_ and we'll find out.

Harry: Sounds like we're close!

Hedwig: That's because the train is right behind us, you morons.

Harry & Ron: MOMMY!

Flying Car: (_death-defying barrel roll_)

Harry: Lucky we saw that before we became little specks.

Hedwig: (_rolls eyes_)

_**Car vs. Tree**_

Ron: Yey, we made it to school!

Car: (_suddenly develops whooping cough_)

Ron: (_flails wand_)

Ron's Wand: (_snaps_)

Ron: Okay, so maybe not.

Whomping Willow: I'd say not. (_bashes things_)

Car: Okay, _enough _of this crap! (_spits luggage and runs away_)

Ron: Come back! My dad's still making payments on you!

_**Getting Accosted By Creepy School Faculty**_

Harry: So, maybe Dobby was right and I should have stayed home.

Filch: Yes, you really should have.

Snape: But if you'd stayed home, I wouldn't have the pleasure of punishing you!

Dumbledore: (_appears out of nowhere_) You don't get that anyway.

Snape: Hey, what?

McGonagall: That's right, _that _pleasure is all mine.

Harry & Ron: Whew.

Snape: (_greasy sneer_)

_**Herbology 101**_

Professor Sprout: For today's class, we will be transplanting mandrake roots, and, thusly, toying with death.

Harry: Apparently earmuffs are supposed to deafen us effectively?

Ron & Hermione: WHAT?

Harry: Never mind.

_The mandrake roots are whiny and withered._

Harry: And I thought Dobby was ugly…

Draco: Cootchie, cootchie, coo!

Mandrake Root: (_chomp_) Mmm, tastes like chicken!

Draco: AHHH!

_**Pre-Class Breakfast**_

Ron: (_sniffle_) My poor wand, injured in the line of duty…

Colin Creevy: Hi Harry! I'm your one and only in-house fanboy!

Harry: Lovely.

_Errol crash lands again, accompanied by a large, red envelope._

Entire Great Hall: Ooooh, Ron's in trooooouble!

Ron: And here I was, hoping it was just a red-letter day…

Howler: You're a disgrace! A delinquent! A rule-breaker! I hereby ground you for eternity!

Ron: I feel so dirty.

_**Defense Against the Dark Arts with Mr. Vanity Himself**_

Lockhart: I can see you all love me. I understand; I love me, too.

Lockhart's fangirls: SQUEE!

Harry & Ron: Oh, brother.

Lockhart: I now unleash upon you this cage full of undernourished, flying Smurfs!

_Pandemonium ensues. As usual, Neville is singled out for use as comic relief._

Lockhart: Oh, come on, you are all so incompetent!

Pixies: (_steal Lockhart's wand_) So are you.

Lockhart: Um…run away!

Hermione: I know motion-stopping charms that nobody else does!

Pixies: Oh bugger.

Neville: My kingdom to be a faceless extra…

_**Attempted Quidditch Practice**_

Oliver Wood: I shall work you all into the ground this year.

Marcus Flint: That's what you think.

Wood: Get your ugliness off my turf.

Flint: Nuh-_uh_! Snape gave me a _note_!

Draco: 'Cause I'm the new Seeker and he and I are buddies and all.

Harry: You have got to be kidding me.

Hermione: Pfft, Draco couldn't catch the Snitch if it bit him on the—

Draco: I curse you with hitherto unheard nasty wizard's words!

Ron: I curse you with my injured wand!

Ron's Wand: I curse you by backfiring!

Ron: Terrific. (_burps slugs_)

_**Hagrid the Helpful**_

Ron: Why am I here and not in the hospital wing?

Hermione: Because Draco's a BIG MEANIE! (_cries_)

Hagrid: Aww, somebody needs a hug and a motivational speech!

_**Detention with Mr. Vanity**_

Lockhart: Us famous guys have to stick together!

Harry: You're flamboyant and arrogant and scary.

Lockhart: Thanks, that's what I like about me, too.

Creepy Voice Off-Screen: Funny, I thought I distinctly heard the boy say that he finds you repulsive.

Harry: OMG WHAT WAS THAT!

Lockhart: What was what?

Harry: That creepy voice off-screen!

Lockhart: I'll bet it's those undernourished Smurfs come back to get me. (_eyes the room warily_)

_**Attack of the Whispering Whispers**_

_Harry pelts through the corridors after the Creepy Voice Off-Screen._

Hermione & Ron: Um, what are you doing?

Harry: Quick, help me follow this creepy voice that apparently only I can hear!

Hogwarts' Large Population of Spiders: Don't flatter yourself; we can hear it, too.

Hermione: Look, a vaguely threatening message written in what appears to be red paint, but which I instantly know to be blood!

Harry: _And _it looks like Filch's cat has had a bad confrontation with a taxidermist.

_The Gryffindor and Slytherin houses both conveniently converge on the same spot in the hallway at the same time._

Draco: Yey, a vaguely threatening message that I somehow understand!

Filch: MY CAT IS DEAD AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

Harry: Um, this isn't what it looks like.

Dumbledore: You're right, it's far worse.

Harry: You mean, more doom and gloom?

Dumbledore: You got it!

Filch: I DON'T CARE! I WANNA KILL SOMETHING!

Dumbledore: Dude, _please _stop crying over your cat.

Lockhart: I'm so totally amazing and could have made this situation all better if I hadn't been preening in my office.

Snape: And then we could have been rid of you all the sooner.

Filch: (_sniffle_)

_**Random Trio Dialog**_

Hermione: Not that I think you're a nut job or anything, but…hearing voices makes you a nut job.

Harry: Gee, thanks Hermione.

_**Off-Track Transfiguration**_

Ron's Wand: (_turns Scabbers into a furry, squeaking cup_)

Scabbers: The things I do for you…

Hermione: Can we go off-track and get some back-story for a minute?

McGonagall: Absolutely not.

Entire Class: Pretty please?

McGonagall: Okay, okay, stop looking at me like that. Back in the day, like, way back in the day, the big, bad original Slytherin apparently stuck some secret chamber in the school that houses a Muggle-hating terror, and he unimaginatively dubbed it the Chamber of Secrets. Then, instead of destroying all the Muggle-borns himself, he sealed the chamber and left the dirty work for his heir.

Hermione: What sort of Muggle-hating terror did he keep in there?

McGonagall: The big, scary kind, of course!

_**Between Classes Again**_

Ron: Draco's the heir of Slytherin!

Hermione: Draco's too _stupid _to be the heir of Slytherin.

Ron: Well, I still think he is, and I'm going to ask his minions to confirm it!

Hermione: We'll be peeling you off the walls if you try. So, instead, let's do something illegal and just this side of certain death!

Harry & Ron: Awesome!

_**Secret Research in the Middle of a Crowded Library**_

Hermione: Polyjuice potion equals temporary transformation, but it takes a zillion years to brew.

Harry: Did it ever occur to you that everyone could be dead by then?

Hermione: Would you rather tell Dumbledore about your schizophrenia?

Harry: Righto, then, let's do this thing.

_**Quidditch, Year Two**_

_The Slytherin team decides to fly in formation like a flock of geese, apparently thinking that this is somehow going to make them better Quidditch players._

Bludger: Harry Potter, you have such a magnetic personality that I will plow through other players to get at you!

Harry: FLY AWAY!

Draco: Hey Pothead, I'm better than you!

Snitch: (_fluttering audibly near Draco's ear_) But, apparently, quite deaf!

Harry: Shiny thing!

Snitch: Follow me into spaces that are technically impossible to fly through!

Colin: Oh boy! Semi-deadly photo op!

Draco: Out of my way, Potter! My daddy is here in an ugly hat, waiting for me to win and be awesome!

_Two seconds later, Draco wipes out magnificently._

Draco: Waaaaah! Daddy! My broom hurted me!

Bludger: Speaking of hurting…(_whumps Harry_)

Harry: I shall carry on and catch the Snitch nonetheless, because heroes do that sort of thing!

_Two seconds later, Harry also wipes out, but that's okay 'cause Gryffindor wins anyway._

Entire Gryffindor House: OMG IS HARRY OKAY?

Lockhart: He will be when I'm finished being amazing! Bonus Removus!

Harry's Arm: (_is rubber_)

Harry: You're an incompetent quack, and your mother dresses you funny.

Lockhart: No need to thank me. (_flips hair_)

_**Post-Quidditch Hospital Visit**_

Draco: I want my daaaaddyyyy…

Madam Pomfrey: Wuss. (_to Harry_) Drink this horrible-tasting potion thing and your bones will grow back.

Harry: Yey!

Madam Pomfrey: But it'll hurt like hell.

Harry: No yey!

_**Post-Quidditch Hospital Visit, Nighttime**_

Creepy Voice Off-Screen: Wake up, you have a visitor!

Harry: What the…

Dobby: Dobby is sorry for having to do horrible things to Harry Potter, because Dobby really does love him, but Harry Potter doesn't seem to get the message!

Harry: Could you sort of stop loving me enough to stop trying to kill me?

Dobby: DOBBY SAID HE WAS SORRY! (_sobs_)

Harry: Okay, okay, geez.

Dobby: Dobby must warn Harry Potter of horrific danger!

Harry: What sort of horrific danger?

Dobby: No specifics, or Dobby will have to inflict personal damage again! (_disappears_)

Harry: Thanks, you're _so _helpful.

_Enter McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Madam Pomfrey, toting a petrified Colin._

Dumbledore: So, there's a lot of horrific danger about.

McGonagall: Gasp!

Harry: Somehow it sounds a lot scarier when _he _says it.

_**Bathroom Potion Brewing**_

Ron: Weren't we breaking school rules in a girl's bathroom _last _year?

Hermione: Yeah, but this one's different.

Ron: Oh yeah? How so?

Moaning Myrtle: Because _I'm _here to whine at you! (_dramatic sniffle_)

_**Happy Hour at the Dueling Arena**_

Lockhart: Once again, I have called you all together to witness me at my most awesome.

Lockhart's fangirls: DOUBLE SQUEE!

Snape: Unlike Lockhart the Ponce, I do not prance about in colors.

Lockhart: Don't worry, I won't unleash my full awesome on you. That would dazzle even me!

Snape: Your incompetence amuses me. (_blows Lockhart across the room_)

Lockhart's fangirls: MEANIE!

Everyone else: We love you, Snape! (3)

Lockhart: Of course, if I'd been _ready_, I would have had a shield made of awesome!

Snape: How much you want to bet that even the kids are better at this than you?

Lockhart: Hmmph! Potter! Get up here and tell everyone how perfect I am!

Snape: Malfoy! Get up here with Potter and appease the shippers!

Harry & Draco: Eww…

Lockhart: Remember, only _lightly _curse each other!

Draco: (_cheats_)

Harry: (_cheats more_)

Draco: No fair! (_conjures a snake_)

Snake: (_hisses a lot and tries to attack people_)

Harry: Hiss hiss, hissy hiss hiss.

Snake: Oh, sorry. My bad. (_ceases its scariness_)

Harry: Thank you.

Snape: Okay, _that _was kinda freaky.

_**Random Trio Dialog, Mark II**_

Hermione: OMG HARRY!

Harry: OMG WHAT?

Hermione: You can talk to snakes, which means you could be pure evil!

Harry: Well, _that's _the worst logic I've ever heard.

Hermione: But snake equals Slytherin equals a Very Bad Thing!

Harry: Great, what else is new?

_**Everybody Hates Harry**_

Harry: (_tries to do homework_)

Everyone Else in the Library: (_stares at Harry when they think he's not looking_)

Harry: Y'all STOP THAT! (_runs away_)

Creepy Voice Off-Screen: Haven't you figured out yet why you're the only one who can hear me?

Harry: No, nor have I figured out why there's always a big puddle on the floor. Are you not housetrained or something?

Creepy Voice Off-Screen: Well, I never!

Nearly Headless Nick: (_is smoky semi-death_)

Justin: (_is rigid semi-death_)

Filch: I'M STILL ANGRY ABOUT MY CAT!

More Hogwarts Spiders: We flee Filch's ickiness!

Harry: I'm sick of horrific danger.

_**The Eccentric Office of Albus Dumbledore**_

McGonagall: Okay, so I'm through dealing with the scariness that's been going on, so I'm sending you up this magical escalator to talk to Dumbledore about it.

Harry: Why me?

_Harry rides said magical escalator up to Dumbledore's office, which is completely empty except for the Sorting Hat and an extremely arthritic Fawkes._

Sorting Hat: I shall add more false suspense to this movie by reminding you that you totally should have been a Slytherin.

Harry: No, I totally should not have.

Sorting Hat: Hmmph! (_is affronted_)

Harry: (_wanders over to Fawkes_) Nice birdie!

Fawkes: (_spontaneously combusts_)

Harry: Ack! Didn't do it! Wasn't me!

Dumbledore: Ah, Harry, I see you've met my self-reincarnating pet.

Harry: Your _what _now?

Dumbledore: Aren't his ashes adorable? Cootchie cootchie coo!

Harry: Um…

Hagrid: (_bursts in_) HARRY AIN'T NEVER KILLED NO ONE, EVER!

Dumbledore: Dude, I _know_. You're interrupting the flow of the plot.

Hagrid: Oh, right, sorry. (_leaves sheepishly_)

Dumbledore: So, Harry, how about those voices in your head?

Harry: What voices? Who told you I hear voices? I don't hear voices.

Dumbledore: _Riiiight_.

_**Christmas Holidays, Year Two**_

Hermione: So, all we have to do is knock out Draco's minions, yank some of their hair, and do illegal voodoo magic with it.

Harry & Ron: WHAT!

Hermione: Okay, maybe not voodoo, but we're definitely screwed if someone catches us. Now go feed these spiked cupcakes to the minions.

_**Floating Cupcakes of Sleepytime**_

_Harry makes the spiked cupcakes levitate in the middle of the hallway for some reason._

Crabbe & Goyle: Oooh, floating food! Let's devour it regardless of the fact that we have no idea where it came from!

Harry: Righto. Now we pretend that skinny little us can drag big fat them somewhere where no one will find them.

_**Psychedelic Potion Consumption**_

Ron: Yuck, a glass of cold potion with a hair in it! (4)

Harry: Do we sing an Irish drinking song before we choke the stuff down?

Hermione: (_rolls eyes_)

_The trio proceeds to drink the disgustingly chunky Polyjuice Potion and run around on the brink of barfing._

Harry: HOLY CRAP, MY SKIN IS BOILING!

Ron: Cool, I've never been short and fat before!

Harry: Shouldn't our vocal chords have changed, too?

Ron: Never mind that, where's Hermione?

Hermione: Er, my foot's stuck in the toilet! You go on without me!

Harry & Ron: But—

Hermione: JUST DO AS I SAY!

Harry & Ron: All right, fine, geez.

_**Draco Malfoy and the Masters of Disguise**_

Goyle-Harry: Where are we going again?

Percy: Back to bed with you, lowly-students-I-don't-know!

Crabbe-Ron: Oh yeah, says who?

Draco: Says me, that's who! Common room, now!

_Once in the common room, Draco sprawls on the couch in what he probably thinks is a sexy manner, but really just looks quite silly._

Draco: So, did you notice that my voice is still really high this year?

Goyle-Harry: Shut up and give us back-story.

Draco: WHAT did you just say to me?

Goyle-Harry: Er, I mean, oh great Draco, tell us all about your masterful mastery of the Chamber of Secrets!

Draco: Don't I wish. There are definitely a few Mudbloods around the place that could use a good smiting…

Crabbe-Ron: RAAAAR!

Draco: What the—

Goyle-Harry: Uh, we just need to, uh, use the little boy's room!

_**Return to the Haunted Bathroom**_

Hermione: Get out of the girls' room, you boys!

Harry & Ron: Um…

Hermione: I made a mistake and I look like a cat and now I need a shave! (_cries_)

Moaning Myrtle: Hahaha, I laugh wetly at the misery of others!

_**Water, Water Everywhere**_

Ron: Apparently no one in the hospital wing ever asks any questions?

Harry: Of course not.

_An entire corridor is flooded, and yet somehow the stairs are dry._

Harry: Oh yuck, I knew that thing wasn't housetrained.

Ron: What are you babbling about? This is just Myrtle having a temper tantrum.

Moaning Myrtle: You've got that right. I'm dead and I can _still _PMS better than you! Now go away and stop throwing books in my toilets!

Little Black Diary: (_whistles innocently_)

_**Harry Potter and the Seemingly Innocent Diary**_

Harry: Wait a second, this book is blank! How anticlimactic! Oh well, guess I'll write my name in it anyway.

Little Black Diary: Ink is my life's blood! (_eats Harry's writing_)

Harry: HOLY CRAP!

Little Black Diary: Did I mention that I'm about the only entity in the movie that can give you any clue as to what's going on?

Harry: Oh, in that case, do tell!

Little Black Diary: I'll do you one better and show you a movie!

Harry: Can I get some popcorn first?

Little Black Diary: Just watch the stupid thing.

_Light bursts from the binding of the diary and sucks Harry 50 years into the past, when Hogwarts was younger and sepia-toned._

Little Black Diary: So there I was, sexy young Tom Riddle, just doing my perfect student thing at Hogwarts, when suddenly I was forced to save everyone from the nasty, nasty person who opened the Chamber of Secrets.

Flashback Dumbledore: You're quite the dramatic young thing, aren't you?

Flashback Tom Riddle: Why yes I am, thank you.

Flashback Hagrid: Too dramatic, if you ask me.

Flashback Tom Riddle: Which I didn't. For that, I'm telling Dumbledore that you and your giant spider are murderers!

Flashback Aragog: (_scuttles away as fast as spiderly possible_)

Flashback Tom Riddle: Well then, my work here is done. Oh, I almost forgot; you're in big trouble now, Hagrid.

Flashback Hagrid: (_cries_)

_Harry is unceremoniously dumped back into the present._

Harry: Wow, what a trip!

_**Walking Around Aimlessly**_

Harry: I'm telling you, it was Hagrid! The diary _showed _me!

Hermione: So now you have a talking diary in addition to the voices in your head?

Harry: No! It's not like that!

Hagrid: What's not like what?

Harry, Ron, & Hermione: Oh, er…

Hagrid: O-_kaaay_. Well, I'm off to kill some flesh-eatin' slugs. Don't get too involved with the scary danger, y'hear?

Neville: (_running in_) Too late! Too late!

_**The Slightly Ransacked Gryffindor Boys' Dorm**_

Harry: Five beds in the room and someone decides to rip the feathers out of _my _pillows.

Hermione: I must have been…one of our own!

Ron: GASP!

Harry: Hate to say this, but "one of our own" took the groovy, time-traveling little black diary!

_**Quidditch, Again**_

Oliver Wood: We are awesome, Hufflepuff is not…why are we even _playing _this match?

McGonagall: Actually, you're not.

Oliver Wood: WHAT?

McGonagall: Off with you, go on! Except you, Harry. More horrible stuff happened.

Harry: Wonderful.

_**Hospital Wing, Again**_

Ron: OMG, Hermione is rigid semi-death!

Harry: (_caresses Hermione's hand_)

Harry/Hermione Shippers: Awwwwww!

_**Gryffindor Common Room of Unease**_

McGonagall: Now that our smartest student has been turned into a plank, you all must go straight to bed every night without cookies.

Gryffindors: _What _now?

McGonagall: And if nobody owns up to having a rigor mortis fetish, Hogwarts will be closed! (_sniffle_)

Gryffindors: (_eye each other suspiciously_)

Harry: So, there are some new rules to break!

Ron: Bad idea.

Harry: Haven't you realized yet that the only way to save other people is to put ourselves in danger of expulsion and death?

_**Sneaking Out to Hagrid's Hut, Year Two**_

Harry & Ron: (_knock really loudly_)

Hagrid: Begone, foul demon, or I shall shoot you through with my gigantic crossbow!

Harry: It's _us_, you idiot!

Hagrid: Oh, right, sorry.

_Hagrid proceeds to spill tea everywhere._

Harry: So, does nervousness equate to guilt in this situation?

Hagrid: None of your business.

_Someone else knocks really loudly._

Fang: Oh, for the love of…I'm trying to sleep!

Dumbledore: It's just me. Oh, and one of the most important figures in the wizarding world.

Fudge: Pshaw, I'm only as important as my muttonchops make me seem.

Hagrid: Perhaps this'd be a good time to mention that I'm completely innocent of anythin' you may be thinkin' of accusin' me of?

Fudge: That makes no difference whatsoever. It is the job of the Ministry of Magic to completely ignore the facts and persecute the first person who comes to mind.

Hagrid: (_snaps fingers_) Forgot about that.

Lucius: (_enters dramatically_) Dumbledore! By order of the bow in my hair, get your ass out of the Headmaster's chair!

Hagrid: Ew, now I'm gonna have to clean cooties outta my cottage.

Lucius: You and your cottage amuse me. Now, Dumbledore, step down or I shall continue to deliver slick, malicious dialogue and obliquely insult your student body!

Hagrid: You gonna shut up anytime soon?

Dumbledore: It's okay, Hagrid. My tingling headmaster senses tell me that everything will work out in the end.

Lucius: You're a daft old fool and cannot hold a candle to my prettiness. (_haughty sniff)_

Fudge: Uh-_huh_. Now, Hagrid, time to ship you off to the creepy wizard prison that won't be explained until the next movie.

Hagrid: Righto, but first let's remind the people who _definitely aren't_ standing in the corner that they should FOLLOW THE SPIDERS.

Fudge: Perhaps a padded room would be better…

_Exit Fudge and Hagrid._

Harry: Okay, now we follow the spiders, right?

Ron: No.

Harry: Come on, you big baby.

_**The Dark and Foggy Forbidden Forest**_

_Harry and Ron are too freaked out to notice how conveniently spaced the trees are._

Spiders: Dude, Hagrid said to _follow us_, not walk right over the top of us.

Ron: I want my mommy! And a blankie! And a really big can of bug spray!

Aragog: Who DARES disturb the gigantic pipe cleaner monster of the forest!

Ron: A really, _really _big can of bug spray!

Harry: Uh, uh, we come in peace!

Aragog: Yeah, well, make it quick. I'm expecting Shelob for tea any minute now.

Harry: What's up with the Chamber of Secrets? You're the third person…creature…thing I've asked, and I still have no straight answers.

Aragog: You're not getting any from me, either. Go ask the whiny dead girl.

Ron: Harry, I think I need to change my pants…

Harry: Right. Well…bye!

Aragog: Won't you stay for dinner?

Harry: No, really, we're not hungry…

Aragog: That's not what I meant.

Harry & Ron: Oh _crap._

_The former flying car roars in and saves Harry & Ron's butts before unceremoniously crashing on Hagrid's lawn._

Car: Thank you for flying Feral Car Airlines!

Harry: So, looks like Hagrid's innocent.

Audience: Gee, ya think?

_**Hospital Wing of Rigidity**_

Harry: Oh great Hermione, we are incompetent as hell without you!

Hermione's hand: Oh for the love of…have a clue!

_**Further Threats from the Red Paint of Doom**_

Ron: So, what'd Hermione's hand give you?

Harry: It's the answers to every question we've had over the course of the entire movie! Listen to this: there's a giant snake that's using the school's plumbing to sneak around and try and kill people, which explains both the voices in my head _and _the large puddles of water!

Ron: Yey Hermione!

Harry: Now all we have to do is take the pipe cleaner monster's advice and go ask Moaning Myrtle for the rest of the story.

McGonagall's voice: Students, get your butts in bed! Teachers, get your butts to the second floor!

Harry & Ron: Heroes count as teachers, right?

_The teachers (and Harry and Ron) convene in the second floor corridor._

McGonagall: We waited an inordinately long time to do anything about this problem, and now the big scary thing in the Chamber has one of our students!

Other teachers: Gasp!

McGonagall: So this is it; Hogwarts is doomed.

Lockhart: (_struts in_) So sorry I'm late. Will anyone be requiring any of my awesomeness tonight?

Snape: Why don't you deflate a bit and save the school?

Lockhart: Oh no, I couldn't possibly.

McGonagall: Your fangirls will love you forever.

Lockhart: Well…maybe. Yes. Okay. Right, off to…save people…and stuff…

McGonagall: Did I mention Ron's sister is in mortal peril?

Ron: WHAAAAAA, GINNY! (_cries_)

Harry: We have to SAVE HER, you twit!

_**The Truth about Professor Prissy**_

Harry: Lockhart sucks, but let's rush to his office and tell him how to save everyone anyway!

Lockhart: Sorry, I've no interest in saving people other than myself.

Ron: Dude, you're even more of a wuss than I am!

Lockhart: Can I help it if I've been so busy styling my hair that I had to nip off and steal a few other wizards' accomplishments in order to perpetuate my image?

Harry & Ron: Yes.

Harry & Ron's wands: Definitely.

Lockhart: Bugger.

_**Harry Potter and the Bathroom of Secrets**_

_Lockhart, Harry, and Ron arrive in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom._

Harry: Myrtle, I'm going to be completely tactless and ask you right out how you died.

Myrtle: Someone was mean to me and then a sink glared at me, and I learned too late that looks really _can _kill! (_cries_)

Lockhart: Can I go now?

Ron: Shut up.

Harry: So apparently the entrance to the Chamber has been right under our noses this whole time?

Ron: Apparently. And I bet you've also had the tools to get it open this whole time.

Harry: Right. I hiss at you, you sink!

Sink: Myst games taught me all I know about being a secret entrance! (_opens dramatically_)

Harry & Ron: Down the deep, dark hole with you, Lockhart!

Lockhart: I want my mommyyyyyyyyyyy…

Harry & Ron: …

Lockhart: (_from down the hole_) I think I broke something.

Myrtle: Harry, before you go down there, I just want to tell you that I heart you.

Harry: Um…_right_…

_**Things Do Not Go As Planned, Mark III**_

Ron: There's certainly a lot of dead stuff down here.

Harry: We press on regardless!

Lockhart: Do we have to?

Ron: Yes.

Harry: Speaking of dead stuff…(_pokes a gigantic snake skin that's taking up most of the passage_)

Lockhart: I _really _want my mommy, but I want glory more! (_steals Ron's wand_) Memorius Wipus!

_Both Ron's wand and the passageway go BOOM!_

Harry: OMG RON!

Ron: I'm fine, but Lockhart's lost his mind.

Harry: How can you tell?

Lockhart: I would resent that if I knew who I was!

Harry: Right. Ron, you stay with Forgetful Jones (5) here, and I'll go save Ginny from that mortal peril that McGongall was talking about.

Ron: Sounds about right, plot-wise.

_**The Chamber of Secrets, Finally**_

_Harry passes through a big, snake-adorned door into a room lined with—what else—a bunch of snake's head sculptures._

Harry: Okaaay, the snake motif is getting a little out of hand down here…

Ginny: (_is limp semi-death_)

Harry: OMG! (_oozes concern_)

Harry/Ginny shippers: Awwww!

Tom Riddle: Oh _please_, you make me sick.

Harry: I've never met you outside of the little black diary's flashback, but I'll appeal to you for help nonetheless!

Tom Riddle: I'm _Voldemort_, you moron. Do I have to spell it out in flaming letters of doom?

Harry: (_stares_) Oh, well, that changes things a bit…

Tom Riddle: Fear me, Harry Potter, for I have you now!

Harry: The power of Dumbledore will preserve me!

Tom Riddle: Ha, I'm _way _better than Dumbledore.

Harry: No you're not.

Tom Riddle: Yes I am.

Fawkes: (_flying in_) No you're not. Package for Harry Potter!

Harry: This is…the Sorting Hat.

Tom Riddle: Ha! I laugh, and send my basilisk minion to eat you!

Harry: Oh crap. (_runs away_)

Basilisk: Come back! You're supposed to be my lunch!

Fawkes: You know, that's funny, because I thought basilisk eyes were on the menu…

Basilisk: Blindness will not keep me from my meal! Do you know how hard it is to get boy wizard sandwiches around here?

Harry: I went that way! (_throws rocks_)

Basilisk: Right! (_is completely fooled_)

Harry: Whew. (_oozes more concern over Ginny_)

Tom Riddle: Running away doesn't vanquish stuff, you know.

Sorting Hat: But sticking stuff with swords works quite well.

Harry: Despite never having wielded one of these, I shall kill the basilisk by shoving the blade up into its brain!

_The basilisk dies a long, drawn-out, CGI death, but not without leaving a souvenir tooth in Harry's arm first._

Harry: That hurt just a tad.

Tom Riddle: Well, you killed my snake, but you're going to die anyway, so I win! Haha!

Harry: What happens if I stick this snake fang in your little black diary?

Little Black Diary: (_bleeds ink_)

Tom Riddle: I can't _believe _I didn't see that coming. (_explodes_)

Ginny: (_wakes up_) OMG HARRY I'M SO SORRY, HE MADE ME DO IT, WHAAAA!

Harry: Go find your brother so I can die in peace.

Fawkes: No dying today!

Harry: Woot!

_**Dumbledore Completely Fails at Discipline**_

Dumbledore: Once again, the two of you have shown absolutely no regard for school rules, and nearly got yourselves killed, but since you saved everyone, I'll reward you.

Harry & Ron: And this is why Dumbledore is awesome.

Dumbledore: Now clear out, Ron; I need to give Harry the obligatory end-of-film explanation.

Ron: Righto! (_leaves_)

Dumbledore: So Harry, my phoenix tells me that you think I'm _way _better than Voldemort.

Harry: (_is depressed_) But I can talk to snakes and, thusly, am pure evil.

Dumbledore: You can talk to snakes 'cause Voldemort gave you some of his powers by accident and is probably still kicking himself for it. You're not pure evil 'cause you whined to the Sorting Hat that you'd rather be a Gryffindor.

Harry: Oh. That explains a lot.

Dumbledore: Which is exactly the point of this scene.

Lucius: (_bursts in_) Also, to give me more screen time.

Dobby: And to show how horrible Dobby's predicament really is.

Lucius: Shut up, you lowly thing. Dumbledore! I distinctly recall kicking you out, so why are you back?

Dumbledore: Because I'm good to people. You should try it sometime!

Lucius: Well, I never.

Dumbledore: I don't suppose you recognize this mangled little black diary?

Lucius: Of course not.

Harry: _Sure _you don't.

Lucius: I haven't the time for this tot! Dobby, get your scrawny ass in gear.

Dobby: (_sniffle_)

Harry: Grrrrrr…

_**Harry Saves The Innocent, Because He Does Things Like That**_

Harry: Hey, Bow Boy! Got you a present.

Lucius: It's…a mangled little black diary.

Harry: That's right, because it's totally yours anyway.

Lucius: IT IS NOT!

Dobby: It is, and there is a sock!

Lucius: There is not!

Harry: There is!

Lucius: House-elves are totally worth killing over! DIIIIIE, HARRY POTTER!

Dobby: Don't think so. (_blows Lucius across the room_)

Harry: Aw, Dobby's creepy love for me finally came in handy.

Lucius: You've taken my servant and my dignity, but you cannot take my ability to whisper menacingly! (_flounces away_)

Dobby: So, Harry Potter must love Dobby, too.

Harry: No, I just have a hero complex.

_**End-of-the-Year Feast, Year Two**_

Neville: Look! Hermione's come back from the dead!

_Hermione delivers BIG HUGE HUGS to Harry, but not to Ron._

Hermione: Well what do you expect? Ron has boy cooties.

Harry: And you're totally indispensable. Without you, we're just The Duo.

Hermione: Aww, thanks.

Dumbledore: Incidentally, I think it's a neat idea to let everyone pass on merit this year.

Hermione: WHAT!

Snape: WHAT!

Dumbledore: (_grin_)

_Hagrid lumbers in with precise dramatic timing._

Hagrid: SWEET FREEDOM!

Harry: Group hug!

Dumbledore: Standing ovation for everyone's favorite half-giant!

Hagrid: Aw, shucks.

THE END

* * *

1) I didn't mean for this to reference Teen Girl Squad, but that's the way I hear it in my head when I read it.  
2) They always used to say this on _The Monkees_ when someone was being annoying.  
3) Potter Puppet Pals #2, "Trouble at Hogwarts"  
4) In the Monkees's movie, _Head_, Davy orders "a glass of cold gravy with a hair in it" at a diner.  
5) Forgetful Jones was a cowboy muppet on Sesame Street. 


End file.
